KEITH SLADER - DISPOSABLE BOY

This is my coffin.

keith Slader — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 00:38:51 +0000

Five Thirty Sunday Morning

keith Slader — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 01:20:57 +0000

Have you ever been in bed trying to fall asleep but your mind won’t let you sleep; it won’t even let you be comfortable? Does your mind connect you to memories randomly and for no apparent reason? Memories that inspire your heart to put a strangle hold on your guts; that cover your flesh with that warm pasty sensation of emotional discomfort. Have you ever tried to push that memory away just so that another painful memory can fall into its place? Have you laid there in bed for hours trying to fall asleep but you don’t sleep because of the pain? All those heavy brick like memories continuously cascading down from somewhere high above you; landing on your body causing you’re whole body to wince the second you get anywhere near falling into slumber.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way, and not because I’m happy, but because I run and I hide. I distract myself with too much Television, too many movies and too many fucking hours of working. All the distractions, all the mindlessness I force myself into, just to avoid a little pain. I’ve wasted at least a third of a year, intentionally wasting time, for no good reason; it’s easier than spending it wisely. All that time wasted, being one of the walking dead, getting wasted, being a “happy American”. All that fucking time wasted chasing love, chasing spread legs and moist holes or manually depositing my seed into dirty socks. I’ve become like, not all of you but most of you. I need this pain, this rage to set myself apart from you. It’s my motivation to do more, to be better and get smarter. I need to stop running and hiding, distracting and self-medicating; it’s the only way to hold onto the pain and ride it like a freight train into every brick wall I can find.

I don’t think that I’m better than anybody. I don’t have more talent. I don’t work harder. I don’t have it harder than anybody else. I just see a different life for myself. I don’t care about my yearly salary. I don’t care about finding a “real job”. The money I make now is real enough. All I want to do is to somehow matter in this world. I want to matter, not more than most people just differently. Despite how angry and sad this post sounds, the truth is I’ve had an epiphany. I know with all of my strangled heart that I will matter in exactly the way I need to.

I have always had this unquenchable thirst to express myself. I’m thirty years old now, the only way it’s going away, is if I go away. Fuck That! Anybody who knows me, even just a little bit, knows that I’ve always been my biggest critic. I put myself down before anyone else gets the chance. Something is changing in me; I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t care if I’m not talented enough. I don’t care if I’m not smart enough. I don’t care that my spelling sucks and that I have to Google search how to properly use punctuation. I don’t care that even after looking it up I still do it wrong sometimes. I’m not going away so either is my thirst to create. I will continue to create in an exhibitionist/voyeuristic fetish kind of way. I will continue. I-will-continue.

I’ve finished writing my second poetry book. I’m slowly getting through the tedious process of getting it ready for print. I can never say it enough but thank you, thank you thank you for reading this and for sharing it with your friends. It truly means the world to me. -ks

Lucas

keith Slader — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:48:47 +0000

Sometimes I forget that there are people who love me and who I love for no reason other than they exist.

Caution Wet Floor

keith Slader — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:37:12 +0000

I wonder how much of my life i’ve spent in public restrooms.

Another Dead Christmas Tree

keith Slader — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 20:44:55 +0000

I can’t help but notice all the discarded Christmas trees that have started to line the roads waiting to be picked up. Waiting to rot and decay and become compost for a future years tree. There’s something about the image of all these discarded trees that captures how I’ve come to feel about Christmas and how I feel about myself right now. The spirit that something that’s supposed to come along with the holiday, all the giving and generosity. It falls so flat for me. I sat in a mall food court and watched people get into the Christmas “spirit” and I can’t recall seeing very many smiles. I did see a lot of angry, frustrated faces. I saw a lot of bad-tempered parents dragging around their inpatient children. I listened to coworkers talk about how worried they were about all the money they spent. I listened to the disappointment in my parents voices when they explained how they had no money to spend. You’re thinking I’m just an asshole but I don’t think I am. I know I’m a very giving person; I do a lot for people every chance I get. I’m a nice a guy and I care about people. I care so much that it’s something I worry about all year not just for the Holidays. I worry that I’m possibly not nice enough, that I don’t give enough and that I have to do more. The dead Christmas trees line the roads and paint the perfect picture of what Christmas should be and isn’t for me anymore. It’s supposed to be about love. I feel like one of those Christmas trees, put out to the curb. I don’t feel any sense of love in the holidays anymore.

I feel like I go at life with a certain amount of tenacity but the harder I go at it the harder it seems to get. I’m not only the nice guy everyone thinks I am, I’m nicer and I want to be even nicer than that. I’ll never stop going at it but sometimes I get tired, tired of trying so hard and falling flat. I’m tired of giving it everything I’ve got just to fuck it up somehow. On New Year’s Eve, at midnight I stood alone on the front steps of the cabin and listened to all the parties in the distance and watched the fireworks across the lake. In that moment, I knew I was letting life defeat me. I’m defeating myself. I don’t know what I need to turn this around, love? Maybe I have love and I’m too blind to see it. I’m in a dark place grasping at nothing hoping to find a feeling in my heart that might not exist. All I know is that I am definitely feeling defeated and I’m losing faith in myself. I’m losing faith in the idea of love that I have in my mind. The dead Christmas trees line the road and paint the perfect picture of how I feel.

Work continues on my second poetry book and I will hopefully be finished. As always thank you so much for reading. Please the link below to share my work with your friends. -ks

One Hundred and Forty Six

keith Slader — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 06:25:49 +0000

Tonight i worked on my poetry book, The Lies That Cause The Cancer. Someone of you already know that i write by hand in spiral notebooks and i’m in the process of typing up all the material i have so far. I just finished typing the 146th poem and there’s quite a few more to go. As i work on this book i have these moments where i feel like, holy fuck this might actually be pretty good shit. i feel that way tonight and thought i’d share a couple poems from the book with you. i wrote these many months apart from each other but they still kind of seemed to fit together.

Snowed in
a guest in a house not so familiar
the room bathed in the yellow street light
reflecting off the snow
my eyes saw shadows
my mind ghosts
the wind talked dirty
the house moaned
i listened
and played along
into a dirty sock

i watch the shadows dance
they move to the rhythm
of my life
i move with them
they’re coolness
soothes the burning
of my unfulfilled desires
the shadows are comforting
like a cold wash cloth
on a feverish forehead
like the warm soft touch
of your lovers hand
on the back of your neck
the shadows are my lover
they are my life
and we dance together
moment to moment

If you like what you just read please use the buttons below to share this post with your facebook and twitter friends. I’m a writer who cannot express in words how much i appreciate your support. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. -ks

If Not For My Heart, I’d Have No Sleeves

keith Slader — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 04:50:44 +0000

I sat for a few hours tonight at a book store working on my book. I find that I’m more productive there than at home. While I sat there working on my book I started to think about what affect this book could have on people. It’s the most honest stuff I have ever written. It’s also less like poetry and more like a list of confessions. Which is fine by me, I’ve never really liked that idea of being a poet anyway. Poetry is not a word I’ve ever liked, it sounds inappropriate to me.

“This guy just showed me his poetry!”

“Ewwww! That’s gross! Was it short?”

I don’t know if this book is good or bad and it doesn’t matter. Over all the bands, songs, albums, shows, zines, books I’ve done in my life, I am most proud of this collection of work. I am both extremely excited and completely terrified as to how it will be perceived and also of how it will change people’s perception of me.

The truth about me is that I’m a very sensitive guy. If it wasn’t for my heart I would have no sleeves. I put my heart 100% into everything I do. I’m not just talking about writing and music either. I am totally invested into my job. I have to do a good job I don’t know how to not do a good job. I care about everything single person I work with. I care about my friends. I want to help them with their job, their life. I want to make them smile and laugh. Occasionally, I get angry and yell and say mean things but only because sometimes caring so much gets frustrating. I share my life, my stories openly with people because I think maybe that will help them in some way. If nothing else they can get a good laugh at how foolish I can be. My heart is exposed at all times. If I’m hanging out with a girl and like her, I can’t hide it. I say silly things and write cute poems like a 16 year old boy with a crush.

All of this is why I write and play music. It’s why I’m writing this book. My exposed heart gets pretty banged up on a regular basis and I need a way to recover. Being creative and pouring my heart out does this for me. It’s also a way for me to give a back a little for all the love I receive from people. If I can somehow help and inspire just one other person in my life than all of it will have been worthwhile. It has been worthwhile because I know I’ve helped people. I get gifts with cards with little notes saying how much I’m loved, how much I’m appreciated. I get emails from people thanking me for giving them the courage to do what they needed to do in their life. I do make people smile, I make them think and want to improve their lives.

I truly have an incredible life. I’m so proud of the little bit I’m able to do for all of you and will keep doing more because that’s least I can do for you. The bottom line is, you all do so much more for me I could never do enough to pay you back. You’re in my life and for that I am thankful.

I do what I do because it’s just part of who I am and I am nothing with out you. So please use the buttons below to share this with your friends. Thanks again for being apart of this with me. -keith

Greenville, SC

keith Slader — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 22:45:45 +0000

I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather the last couple days, haven’t felt much like writing or playing or doing anything at all. Despite my lack of writing and blog posts this has been a very introspective tour. There has been plenty of downtime and long overnight drives to contemplate life. I feel like this tour happened at exactly the right moment. It’s in unison with the tides of my life and the tides are shifting. I have conquered a few demons alon the many miles and quiet moments of this trip. I’ve also made some plans for my future. I believe they will move me up another rung on the ladder to being content. Overall, in this moment, I’m feeling pretty happy and I’m also excited about the future. Of course, I know that as the world turns, the tides will shift again. Life is a never ending ladder and it takes work to keep climbing. I just have to keep doing the best I can.

Please share my website with your friends by clicking the links below. Thanks for reading.

Tallahassee

keith Slader — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 01:00:11 +0000

Survived Atlanta and Chattanooga and now we are in Tallahassee. This is another post from the bowels of our van. Last’s night show in Atlanta was fun, it was a good audience and we gave them our best. I know I played hard because my body hurts today. I don’t see the point in playing if you aren’t going to put everything you have into it. I’m not one with my instrument; I’m at war with it. Every show is a battle and I’m happy to fight them. Tonight’s battle starts at 10.

Huntington WV

keith Slader — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 02:52:27 +0000

Last night after our show in Akron OH we had no place to sleep but being the resourceful bunch that we are, we found a place. That’s the beauty of tour, you meet interesting characters, people buy you drinks, they even open their homes to you so you don’t have to sleep in your van. Sometimes these people even become your friends, the kind of friend that you keep in touch with year after year. All of this is very awesome and exciting. However, sometimes these very nice and trusting people are absolute pigs. Sometimes these people have pets; a lot of pets that they let piss all over their house. This is the situation we ended up in last night. After a while of fighting off the stench with an aerosol can of Glade and trying to hold the stench at bay by shoving a blanket under the door of the quarantine zone; aka: room we were staying, I just couldn’t take it. I had to go outside for some fresh air, which seemed like a great idea except in order to get outside I had to pass through the hot zone; aka: the kitchen. It was so bad it made me gag and throw up in my mouth. I made it outside and just started vomiting all over this girls drive way. Then Rob came outside right behind me and started laughing at me until he started vomiting too. Then we were both vomiting and laughing at each other in between heaves. This went on for at least a half hour. It couldn’t stop vomiting or laughing. What a terrible mix.

So far today has been pretty uneventful. We drove for four hours then stopped and watched the new Walking Dead episode, which was fucking awesome. Now we are sitting in the van all on our laptops doing whatever is we do on our laptops. I do this. We tried to watch Dexter but the internet is too slow. We are such rock stars aren’t we? We watch TV shows in our van. Tomorrow night’s show is canceled so tonight we are driving seven hours to Nashville and we are going to hang out there tomorrow. Still not very rock star of us. We are going to do laundry, get haircuts, and watch Dexter. I don’t even know where we go after that. How rock star is that!?!

The opening band just started which means I have to go play in a little while. This is the third show of the tour and the first sober one. After all that vomiting and because of the long drive tonight it seemed like a good idea to stick with water. I’ll post again soon.

As always, thanks for reading and please share my site with your friends by clicking the facebook and twitter links below. -ks