I wonder how much of my life i’ve spent in public restrooms.
Another Dead Christmas Tree
I can’t help but notice all the discarded Christmas trees that have started to line the roads waiting to be picked up. Waiting to rot and decay and become compost for a future years tree. There’s something about the image of all these discarded trees that captures how I’ve come to feel about Christmas and how I feel about myself right now. The spirit that something that’s supposed to come along with the holiday, all the giving and generosity. It falls so flat for me. I sat in a mall food court and watched people get into the Christmas “spirit” and I can’t recall seeing very many smiles. I did see a lot of angry, frustrated faces. I saw a lot of bad-tempered parents dragging around their inpatient children. I listened to coworkers talk about how worried they were about all the money they spent. I listened to the disappointment in my parents voices when they explained how they had no money to spend. You’re thinking I’m just an asshole but I don’t think I am. I know I’m a very giving person; I do a lot for people every chance I get. I’m a nice a guy and I care about people. I care so much that it’s something I worry about all year not just for the Holidays. I worry that I’m possibly not nice enough, that I don’t give enough and that I have to do more. The dead Christmas trees line the roads and paint the perfect picture of what Christmas should be and isn’t for me anymore. It’s supposed to be about love. I feel like one of those Christmas trees, put out to the curb. I don’t feel any sense of love in the holidays anymore.
I feel like I go at life with a certain amount of tenacity but the harder I go at it the harder it seems to get. I’m not only the nice guy everyone thinks I am, I’m nicer and I want to be even nicer than that. I’ll never stop going at it but sometimes I get tired, tired of trying so hard and falling flat. I’m tired of giving it everything I’ve got just to fuck it up somehow. On New Year’s Eve, at midnight I stood alone on the front steps of the cabin and listened to all the parties in the distance and watched the fireworks across the lake. In that moment, I knew I was letting life defeat me. I’m defeating myself. I don’t know what I need to turn this around, love? Maybe I have love and I’m too blind to see it. I’m in a dark place grasping at nothing hoping to find a feeling in my heart that might not exist. All I know is that I am definitely feeling defeated and I’m losing faith in myself. I’m losing faith in the idea of love that I have in my mind. The dead Christmas trees line the road and paint the perfect picture of how I feel.
Work continues on my second poetry book and I will hopefully be finished. As always thank you so much for reading. Please the link below to share my work with your friends. -ks
One Hundred and Forty Six
Tonight i worked on my poetry book, The Lies That Cause The Cancer. Someone of you already know that i write by hand in spiral notebooks and i’m in the process of typing up all the material i have so far. I just finished typing the 146th poem and there’s quite a few more to go. As i work on this book i have these moments where i feel like, holy fuck this might actually be pretty good shit. i feel that way tonight and thought i’d share a couple poems from the book with you. i wrote these many months apart from each other but they still kind of seemed to fit together.
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Snowed in
a guest in a house not so familiar
the room bathed in the yellow street light
reflecting off the snow
my eyes saw shadows
my mind ghosts
the wind talked dirty
the house moaned
i listened
and played along
into a dirty sock
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i watch the shadows dance
they move to the rhythm
of my life
i move with them
they’re coolness
soothes the burning
of my unfulfilled desires
the shadows are comforting
like a cold wash cloth
on a feverish forehead
like the warm soft touch
of your lovers hand
on the back of your neck
the shadows are my lover
they are my life
and we dance together
moment to moment
If you like what you just read please use the buttons below to share this post with your facebook and twitter friends. I’m a writer who cannot express in words how much i appreciate your support. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. -ks
If Not For My Heart, I’d Have No Sleeves
I sat for a few hours tonight at a book store working on my book. I find that I’m more productive there than at home. While I sat there working on my book I started to think about what affect this book could have on people. It’s the most honest stuff I have ever written. It’s also less like poetry and more like a list of confessions. Which is fine by me, I’ve never really liked that idea of being a poet anyway. Poetry is not a word I’ve ever liked, it sounds inappropriate to me.
“This guy just showed me his poetry!”
“Ewwww! That’s gross! Was it short?”
I don’t know if this book is good or bad and it doesn’t matter. Over all the bands, songs, albums, shows, zines, books I’ve done in my life, I am most proud of this collection of work. I am both extremely excited and completely terrified as to how it will be perceived and also of how it will change people’s perception of me.
The truth about me is that I’m a very sensitive guy. If it wasn’t for my heart I would have no sleeves. I put my heart 100% into everything I do. I’m not just talking about writing and music either. I am totally invested into my job. I have to do a good job I don’t know how to not do a good job. I care about everything single person I work with. I care about my friends. I want to help them with their job, their life. I want to make them smile and laugh. Occasionally, I get angry and yell and say mean things but only because sometimes caring so much gets frustrating. I share my life, my stories openly with people because I think maybe that will help them in some way. If nothing else they can get a good laugh at how foolish I can be. My heart is exposed at all times. If I’m hanging out with a girl and like her, I can’t hide it. I say silly things and write cute poems like a 16 year old boy with a crush.
All of this is why I write and play music. It’s why I’m writing this book. My exposed heart gets pretty banged up on a regular basis and I need a way to recover. Being creative and pouring my heart out does this for me. It’s also a way for me to give a back a little for all the love I receive from people. If I can somehow help and inspire just one other person in my life than all of it will have been worthwhile. It has been worthwhile because I know I’ve helped people. I get gifts with cards with little notes saying how much I’m loved, how much I’m appreciated. I get emails from people thanking me for giving them the courage to do what they needed to do in their life. I do make people smile, I make them think and want to improve their lives.
I truly have an incredible life. I’m so proud of the little bit I’m able to do for all of you and will keep doing more because that’s least I can do for you. The bottom line is, you all do so much more for me I could never do enough to pay you back. You’re in my life and for that I am thankful.
I do what I do because it’s just part of who I am and I am nothing with out you. So please use the buttons below to share this with your friends. Thanks again for being apart of this with me. -keith
Greenville, SC
I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather the last couple days, haven’t felt much like writing or playing or doing anything at all. Despite my lack of writing and blog posts this has been a very introspective tour. There has been plenty of downtime and long overnight drives to contemplate life. I feel like this tour happened at exactly the right moment. It’s in unison with the tides of my life and the tides are shifting. I have conquered a few demons alon the many miles and quiet moments of this trip. I’ve also made some plans for my future. I believe they will move me up another rung on the ladder to being content. Overall, in this moment, I’m feeling pretty happy and I’m also excited about the future. Of course, I know that as the world turns, the tides will shift again. Life is a never ending ladder and it takes work to keep climbing. I just have to keep doing the best I can.
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Tallahassee
Survived Atlanta and Chattanooga and now we are in Tallahassee. This is another post from the bowels of our van. Last’s night show in Atlanta was fun, it was a good audience and we gave them our best. I know I played hard because my body hurts today. I don’t see the point in playing if you aren’t going to put everything you have into it. I’m not one with my instrument; I’m at war with it. Every show is a battle and I’m happy to fight them. Tonight’s battle starts at 10.
Huntington WV
Last night after our show in Akron OH we had no place to sleep but being the resourceful bunch that we are, we found a place. That’s the beauty of tour, you meet interesting characters, people buy you drinks, they even open their homes to you so you don’t have to sleep in your van. Sometimes these people even become your friends, the kind of friend that you keep in touch with year after year. All of this is very awesome and exciting. However, sometimes these very nice and trusting people are absolute pigs. Sometimes these people have pets; a lot of pets that they let piss all over their house. This is the situation we ended up in last night. After a while of fighting off the stench with an aerosol can of Glade and trying to hold the stench at bay by shoving a blanket under the door of the quarantine zone; aka: room we were staying, I just couldn’t take it. I had to go outside for some fresh air, which seemed like a great idea except in order to get outside I had to pass through the hot zone; aka: the kitchen. It was so bad it made me gag and throw up in my mouth. I made it outside and just started vomiting all over this girls drive way. Then Rob came outside right behind me and started laughing at me until he started vomiting too. Then we were both vomiting and laughing at each other in between heaves. This went on for at least a half hour. It couldn’t stop vomiting or laughing. What a terrible mix.
So far today has been pretty uneventful. We drove for four hours then stopped and watched the new Walking Dead episode, which was fucking awesome. Now we are sitting in the van all on our laptops doing whatever is we do on our laptops. I do this. We tried to watch Dexter but the internet is too slow. We are such rock stars aren’t we? We watch TV shows in our van. Tomorrow night’s show is canceled so tonight we are driving seven hours to Nashville and we are going to hang out there tomorrow. Still not very rock star of us. We are going to do laundry, get haircuts, and watch Dexter. I don’t even know where we go after that. How rock star is that!?!
The opening band just started which means I have to go play in a little while. This is the third show of the tour and the first sober one. After all that vomiting and because of the long drive tonight it seemed like a good idea to stick with water. I’ll post again soon.
As always, thanks for reading and please share my site with your friends by clicking the facebook and twitter links below. -ks
WTF
A few thoughts…
Why, when driving on the highway and someone passes you or you pass them , they have to give you a look. It’s not a mean look or a friendly look. Is everyone on the highway subconsciously hoping they pass someone they know? Is it a look of judgment? Am I driving too fast, too slow? Don’t judge me, yes I’m singing at the tops of my lungs while picking my nose! Keep your eyes on the road lady!
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Is it just me or do car dealerships always have giant American flags? Is it an unspoken competition? Does a bigger flag equal higher sales? Whatever you do, DO NOT buy a car from a small flag dealership and for heaven’s sake if there’s no flag don’t even go on the lot. Bad things will happen!
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Please, for the love of the god that you say you believe in. If I’m eating something that doesn’t appeal to you, don’t say it’s gross. I’m eating it, so I must like it. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s gross. I’ll only allow you one exception. Actually fuck that! No exceptions.
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If you hear a song and you don’t know what band it is don’t ask me who sings it. I will not respond to you. Bands don’t sing songs.
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I was at the movie theater last night and noticed a lot of guys leaving the restroom without washing their hands. At first I was shocked but then reconsidered. Why do we have to wash our hands it’s not like we piss on them? Well I don’t, do you? Also, it’s too dirty to touch with our hands and not wash them but clean enough to expect someone to put that thing in their mouth? WTF
If you like my writing or anything that I do please use the facebook and twitter buttons below to share it with your friends. As always thanks for reading. -ks
Thirty
The best pieces of a plan are the pieces that fall apart because they make you move, they make you think. I know my plan wasn’t to be thirty and single, working in a chain restaurant ten shifts a week. To be honest I don’t remember what my plan was anymore. It fell apart a long time ago and I’ve been winging it ever since. I like where I am now the view is good from here. I can see clearly choices that have gotten me here and that’s all I really need.
I’m not far enough up the mountain yet to see what’s to come but I have the feeling that it’s just more mountain and I’m ok with that. The future is coming whether we like it or not. Death and taxes are really the only things we can count on. All the rest, all the fun bits and bad parts are up in the air and we just pick at them and grab them as they fly by. We miss some, we drop some and we give some away. The moments we lived today, this week, this year and the total sum of all our experiences are what make us. This is who I am thirty years into this thing.
If you like my writing or anything that I do please use the facebook and twitter buttons below to share it with your friends. As always thanks for reading. -ks
The Grey Murkiness of Love and Life
I’ve always wondered why they hang doors to hospital rooms because they are never closed. I can’t help but look into the rooms as I walk down the hall. Today I was walking through a hospital and I kept seeing old men and women alone in their rooms. They looked so sad and defeated. The loneliness in their eyes overwhelmed me, I could feel it.
Then I went to the mall. It was the other end of the spectrum. Teenage kids about in masses. There were small groups of boys and girls mixing, discovering each other’s mouths and tongues and other naughty bits too I’m sure. It’s all so new and exciting for them, they don’t foresee the pain and frustration coming. The total and utter heartbreak that you think you’ll ever recover from. They especially don’t see themselves old and alone in a hospital bed with the love of their life gone one way or the other.
It made me think of myself and where I am right now. I’m somewhere in between those two places. I’m floating alone in the grey murkiness of love and life. I can foresee myself old and decaying and my body failing. Sitting alone in a hospital with no one to come see me because I was never married and most of my family is gone or too far away.
It was not so much a sad thought or feeling but a reality. It’s a reality that I’m very aware of. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It’s just something I was thinking about.
If you like my writing or anything that I do please use the facebook and twitter buttons below to share it with your friends. As always thanks for reading. -ks
